Titus got lots of presents today.

I hate Christmas. I wish I wasn't able to see or know what other people got. Bleh. I should just crawl in a hole for a week during this time of year, hibernate, and come out when all the gift giving is done.

I was doing so well up until a certain moment today. Another communication barrier, how fun. I guess certain people don't realize how much they are pushing me away... or maybe they do...

I made some lip balm for the first time yesterday. That was pretty fun. I want to make some more, but I need to be a bit more organized. I could have made some tonight, but I cleaned up a bit (can't really tell).

I moved the bunny cage into the living room. I think they like it better out here. They can also be loud all they want now when I am sleeping. I just wish Mocha was better at using his litter box... same could be said for Titus. He just randomly pees inside when I've just taken him outside and he ha already went to the bathroom... Lady also pooped on the floor. They are all against me, hehe.

I'm going to Ottawa next week for a week. I wish I wouldn't have planned on going so long because my aunt invited me to Florida with them at the end of the month. I can't go because I am already taking some days off of work this month. :( Oh well, maybe next time... hehe. It will still be nice to go to Ottawa, but I hear there is a lot of snow.

I'm watching Elise (rat) in her wheel and it is not squeaking because I oiled it, yay.

I wish I got more stuff done around the house the last couple of days, but it was still nice to relax a little.

It's been a long few weeks. I quite the LCBO and now I'm working at a Naturopathic clinic as an office manger/receptionist. I'm making way less then I was with LCBO, but it should be good experience for me. I'm hoping once I start making my own products my boss will let me sell them in the clinic.

I went to see our Naturopathic Dr. and so far things are really good. She put me on some supplements and they are already doing their job. I really suggest people try a naturopathic Dr.

I, personally have been making a lot of promises to myself and keeping them. Not everyone knows the extent of it, just me and my counselor. I don't know if it is really helping because I am not seeing many changes with other people in my life. But, I guess it is helping me a bit by being able to trust my instincts and not depending on other methods.

We are looking for a new place to move to. This current apartment hasn't been too pet friendly. Titus has been good, but he can do better with some more room. Of course, we aren't prepared for the cost, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.

Bleh, I'm so tired of hearing about how much people make and how much they don't make. Life is more than about money!!

I'm tired. I should go to bed but I have to give Pax his meds. He seems better, he isn't wheazing anymore.

It's pretty funny watching Lady trying to eat Titus's bone.

I've been a week off of my meds, yay! It has been hard, but it's getting better.

I've called a couple of old friends since getting my unlimited long distance plan... memories...

My neck hurts
My arms hurt
My back hurts
My legs hurt

But I love my doggy

So we got a standard poodle (who needs a bit of work but he is a dear at 11 months), I'm rehoming my female rats and bunnies and possibly giving Lady to my mom.

I'm such a winner, aren't I? :(

I am the disposable pet queen. I should be sent to jail.

I'm soooo getting frustrated with this dog thing. I went to see an American Eskimo today and they hated each other. :(

I want a puppy but I don't' think I have the time for that.

I can't wait to be off of these meds. I already feel a big difference in myself. Sure, I'm a bit more snappy and emotional but I'm going to learn how to deal with it.

I want chocolate.

I often wonder why I am not told many things that I should know about. It's hard to go through life knowing what someone is saying about you, but they can't say it to your face. It's as if I've been in high school all of my life. Stupid drama, lies, and people hiding their feelings. Maybe that's just life though. I guess being able to compare it to something as ridiculous as high school makes me feel better.

I don't know what's going on anymore... I say that all of the time, don't I? I have found out that I need control and structure in my life, but I can't get it from those I need it from most. It's been hard going through life with no goals, no one to help me or support me through it. My family failed me and I have to get over it and get on with life.

What is the right thing for me? Should I be in a relationship? I think so... but what about others? I know I'm supposed to know for myself but I often feel as if I am blinded by my emotions.

It's funny, we were talking in class yesterday about how successful woman are often not married because they are too strong willed for men. Does a man really want a woman who is weaker in terms of business/will and strong in terms of being the happy homemaker? It really seems like it. I wonder what I'd be better off as but I never gave myself the opportunity to really be single and just be me with me.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything.

It has been such a tough week losing Aslan and Miraz. Now Pax seems to have a myco infection. I had scheduled a neuter for him and his brother, but this may set it back. He could die from the neuter if his system isn't up to par.

Heehee, he's crawling through my housecoat right now. I really am not ready to lose more of my little ones.

We're going to go see a beautiful doggy today that we may adopt. His name is Rocky and he is a Labrador/Bernese Mountain Dog mix. He is sooooo gorgeous. He's big, about 45 lbs but I want a big doggy to exercise with outside.

Aslan is sick and I think he is dying. My poor ratty. I'm so sad. :(

Things that are new:

Apartment - Moved a floor up due to a mold, water pipe problem
School - Taking a year aromatherapy certification course
Work - IT'S BORING
Pets - Rehomed the GP's cuz I was taking on too much. Now I have my ratties, dog, hedgehog (took her in because someone was moving. She is old and I feel so bad for her), and 2 bunnies. :)
Me - I'm still mental, lol.

Talking about the way we feel shouldn't be tiring or draining. It should be a way we can discover how to better ourselves by helping each other be happy. So in the end we should be happy to have learned something.

And that is my personal quote of the day, lol.

I hate call centers!!

I'm calling Primus right now and I can't understand a thing this guy is saying. He also has his mouth way too close to the microphone.

Ok, so I know I haven't wrote in this awhile... I just needed to vent, lol.

I have always wondered how some miserable people keep their feelings to themselves. What is the point? Are things just supposed to get better on their own? Say someone else should know... how can they do something about it?

I know I'm a good person and I try my best to stay that way. No one is perfect, though. I make mistakes, I say and do things I shouldn't say and I'm not always able to control it. I've been trying to get the help I need, I even take the meds for it. But, sometimes I feel and I know that not everyone understands.

I'm very emotional and I have been putting a lot of that behind me because I know some people can't handle someone like me. I've compromised a lot of things in my life as well. I'm not totally enthralled about living with someone without being married, but I can understand, to a certain extent how someone can feel the opposite way. But when do compromises start to feel like sacrifices?

Are we sacrificing our happiness for comfort?

First bike ride in a long time!

I had my first bike ride in a very long time today. I went out with my friend Mike. We did get lost a bit even though we had a map because Toronto is horrible at labeling its streets! We left at 11:30am and didn't get back to my place until 7:30pm. We went to Eglinton and Yonge area, all the way down to MEC at King West, along the harbor front and back up Sherbourne (sketch street!) then west back home along St. Claire West.

I got a job at the LCBO sales and marketing department. I like it so far. It's only part time but I hope they give me more hours. This past week they had me working 8:30-4:30 so that was good.

Other than that I'm pretty much bored all of the time. I have lots to do but I have a hard time actually doing it. It's kind of weird since I am so bored all of the time, you'd think I'd make myself busy.

I don't know of it's just me or my new meds, but I feel numb all the time. It's like all of my emotions have disappeared and I just like doing nothing. I guess I am the one who makes everything boring.

I will be 2 years for me and Jordan in a week.

I almost forgot.

I got a bunny!

His name is Mocha. He is a 1.5 year old mini-rex. He was bread by a breeder because he has tattoos in his ears. I got him from a woman who had to move out of province and wasn't able to take Mocha with her. The previous owner to her just simply got bored of him and dropped him off at the humane society.

He is so cute! If he wants to be pet, he puts his bum in the air and face on the ground. If you aren't petting him enough, he will nibble you hard enough to give you a little pinch and will poke you with his nose.

Two more classes, exams, then I'm done this course forever! I'm off to Toronto in two weeks. I am SO excited. I had an interview with a personal agency in Toronto, so they are going to hook me up with a job for when I get there. I can't wait to see Jordan and my pets everyday!

Yay, I finished some crochet!

The scarf is my first completed, wearable project. The wrist warmer still has another to go to match, haha. I'm very excitied to have finally done something. :)






And here's a pic of me and Jordan last weekend in Toronto. Aww, I misses him.

My dog wears a preppy sweater!



10 Years ago.......................

1.) How old were you: 15
2.) Where did you go to school: Sir Mackenzie Bowell Middle School
4.) Where did you live: Belleville, ON
5.) Where did you hang out: At my friends houses: April and Stephanie
6.) Did you wear glasses: I've had glasses since I was 8
7.) Who was your best friend: April
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Omg, David Hood... hahaha...
9.) How many tattoos did you have: None.
10.) How many piercings did you have: Single ear piercing on each side
11.) What car did you drive: None
12.) Had you been to a real party: If you count a party at April's fathers friends place in the boonies where I had my first beer and slept in an empty apartment on the floor?
13.) Had your heart broken: Not yet.
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: I was pretty single!

Five years ago.......................

1.) How old were you: 20
2.) Where did you go to school: I wasn't in school at the time.
3.) Where did you work: Hmm... jeez... Motionware source for sports? Random telemarketing jobs? Eatons??? I can't remember.
4.) Where did you live: Nepean
5.) Where did you hang out: Probably with whatever guy I was dating at the time
6) did u wear glasses? Yup, probably mainly contacts at the time
7.) Who was your best friend: I don't think I had one
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: See question 5
9.) How many tattoos did you have: 1
10.) How many piercings did you have: Double ears, nipple
11.) What car did you drive: None
12.) Had you been to a real party: Haha, yeah high school was good to me
13.) Had your heart broken: More than likely
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Hmmm... I may have been dating a guy from New Jersey... I can't remember.

Present Day.......................

1.) How old are you: 25
2.) Where do you go to school: Algonquin, Business Management / Owning
3.) Where do you work: Nowhere, was at MBNA for over 3 years.
4.) Where do you live: Barrhaven with my aunt and uncle
5.) Where do you hang out: Ha, since Jordan moved in January, with my aunt and uncle. They take good care of me. ;)
6.) Do you wear glasses: I do
7.) Who is your best friend: Jordan
8.) Who is your regular-person crush: Jordan!
9.) How many tattoos do you have: 1
10.) How many piercings did you have: double ears, had a nape piercing a year ago and took it out
11.) What car did you drive: None
12.) Had you been to a real party: I had a blast last weekend in Toronto, that's for sure!
13.) Had your heart broken: Too many times to count.
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Taken! Hopefully for good this time. :)

Milk is evil.

So says my tummy! I can't drink milk anymore, it makes me sick. :( It's weird because I can eat any other dairy products, it's just milk. I wonder what it is about it.

I had a pretty boring weekend. Most exciting thing was getting lemon meringue pie on Saturday. My co-workers bought me one for my last Saturday with them. I'm looking forward to my last day one Friday. Not having the money is going to suck, but luckily I don't have very many bills to pay right now.

Speaking of which, I'm worried about finding a new job that is going to help me pay off my debt. I will be working at Reitmans part time until I move to Toronto at the end of April, then I should be able to transfer to Toronto. My goal is, if I stay there to get promoted to a management position, and find something that better suits me after.

I'm learning how to crochet. I had a little trouble at first, but it's getting better. My aunt has been kind enough to help me out. She can't really help me with knitting because she knits English style and I knit Continental.

I miss my pets! Lady is with my parents and my rats are with Jordan in Toronto. I wish my uncle wasn't allergic, I miss them so much.

Don't blog on a full stomach.

I'm so full and I've hardly eaten any of my dinner. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat for the whole day, haha.

So, I'm back in Ottawa. My dad picked me up from the airport at 2pm (more like 2:20pm), I got to see Lady for a couple of hours, then Kathy and Jeff (my aunt and uncle) came to pick me up.

I have much respect for everyone that carried my big bag for me! Thank you (seriously, it was VERY heavy)!

I had fun in Toronto with Jordan. Not as much fun on my own time though. I really felt like doing nothing and sat around on the computer all day. I did get a bunch of organizing done though (but ya, I'm sure I could of made a better effort at doing more.)

Unfortunately, I'm really sad. There are many things that I can't get out of my mind that were a long time ago (ok, some not that long ago). It's going to take a lot for me to be convinced that things are going the way they are supposed to be. Anyways, I've learned some things I wish I never knew but it's my own curiosity that got the best (or maybe that should be worst) of me.

As I always say, only time will tell.

...patience continues (not as well as I wish it was).

Finally, we moved all of my stuff to Toronto!

It was a long weekend. I had a migraine for about 8 days that sent me home from work Saturday morning. The rest of the day I had to finish what I had left to pack and Jordan and Eric packed the truck. Thankfully Eric could help else wise it would of taken a lot longer to fill the truck. I think it took about 2.5 hours. I had another helper but he busted his hand on a Sponge bob can... yeah, don't ask me, that's what he told me.

The drive wasn't too bad (for me at least). I rented a U-Haul which Jordan said was like driving a sail boat on the road. The gas gauge was also all messed up so Jordan filled up way more gas then he had to because we could never tell how much was in it. I'm so thankful he paid for the gas. Oh yes, and driving the boat, I mean truck. :P

I was lucky to also have some help from a friend in Toronto. I had another person but because he decided not to listen to out directions, got here way to late to help. It wasn't so bad it took about an hour to unload. Worst part is, he broke our toilet. :(

That brings me to Monday where I had t buy a plunger and get spatered with someone else's feces.

Seriously, grossest thing I've ever had to do.

Other than feces plunging, I sat around for most of the day, put a few things away and walked downtown Queen St West and took the streetcar down the Est end. Later on I net Jordan after work and we went shopping for a few things, came home, had supper and built our new Ikea Expedit shelf... woo!

The last few days have been pretty good... other than a massive headache for 4 days!

Let's see, my law test was canceled today which totally ticks me off because I had studied very hard and was ready to ace it. Now, we're not doing it for 2 weeks. I have my operations plan for my business plan to do, which is due tomorrow. My retail exam today went ok. There were a few trick questions in there, so I'm not going to guess how will I did... Ok, I know I passed. :P I decided not to go to Business class so I could finish that part up and study for my Global Entrepreneurship exam tomorrow. I also need to somehow shake this headache.

I've decided to try and crochet during brain breaks. :P

I'm at my aunts for the next days. I figured it would be good to get out of the house considering I have exams in a few days and I don't want anymore stress. My brother really drives me insane.

I'm really bored, I don't know what to do with myself.

Ohhhh sweeeeet life.

The last couple weekends I have been able to see Jordan. It has brought me great happiness to see him. I feel much better than I have in quite awhile. I have decided not to go to my aunts quite yet. Since my brother has been at my aunts (as of feb 1) things here at home have been very good! I think I've only been woken up twice with my mom yelling at my dad in the morning, haha. Maybe it's my brother who is the problem??

I got my real mouth guard today. Lady chewed my temp one two weeks ago! I'll be making sure not to let her get to this one, it was pretty expensive. I hope my benefits covers most of the charge. Speaking of which, one of my fillings fell out. I'll be getting it fixed next Monday along with one more small filling.

School is getting more overwhelming than ever. Because I've been taking time to see Jordan, I haven't been committing my free time on Sundays to school. This week I have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday 5-9pm and 8-12pm Friday and 8-5pm Saturday. I have quizzes and exams and project things due, I have no idea how I'm going to manage. I may have to quit work earlier than I would like. *sigh* I even planned on moving on the 25th, so I also need to find time to pack. *dies*

I got some fillings today, two small ones. I'm getting my teeth cleaned next week and another small filling along with my FREE teeth whitening, hehe. My first dental work. :P

I think I'm going to move my stuff down to Toronto on the weekend of the 23rd. This way I don't have to stay here anymore so much. I'll probably stay with my aunt and uncle and they won't charge me rent unlike my parents.

I have a small cavity forming in my tooth. :(

I grind my teeth at night due to stress. :(

Good thing I went to the dentist today. I have to get a dental appliance (mouth guard) to sleep with. It's causing me headaches and jaw ache. I was supposed to get a temporary one today but they haven't finished making it yet. I guess I'm just going to have to pump myself full of Advil before bed and figure out some relaxing things to do so I go to bed less stressed.

My aunt is letting me stay at her place while her and my uncle go to the Dominican. The catch? My brother is going to be there too and he has the week off work. *groan*

Ugh, I have a headache.

What a crazy week. I can't begin to explain the stress and anxiety I have been through.

You know how you have a friend you can talk to and is there to help you out regardless of your problem? They aren't selfish and don't mind listening and offering advice? They know you will do the same for them.

I don't. That's the hardest thing. I can't even rely on my family to be there for me. It's so messed up. I guess everyone I know doesn't understand my situation and see me as someone I'm not. I give them 1 hour (probably less) in my home and then they would understand. The problem though, is that no one wants to understand.

I hate living at home. It turns me into them. I take on their aggression and selfish ways. I become angry in a snap of a finger. I'm happy to say though it's not as bad as I could be. I'm not like them, just appear to be like them. It's like when you're around someone you love, you see them sad, angry, depressed or better yet happy and you take on those attributes for as long as they last.

People tell me it's all under my control. You know what? It always isn't. Only one person truly understands that and he is 400 and some Km's away.

As I've said before, 3 more months. 4 more weeks until I get to visit him for a week.

So Jordan left for Toronto today. I won't see him for atleast 3 weeks, could be more.

*WAHHNNN* (See puppy dog picture of me below for how I feel)



I haven't done anything but a bit of laundry. *sigh*

It's official. We're moving to Toronto. Well, Jordan is as of the 22nd. I'll be there in May when I'm done school. Congrats to Mr. Fancy-pants architect on getting a job at a big name firm, HOK.

We're headed to TO tomorrow afternoon for a couple of days to try and find a place for February. I'm pretty nervous because we don't know anything of the place. I'm afraid of ending up in a bad neighborhood or something. Year leases are dumb.

I'm missing a bunch of classes, which is going to suck. I'm also missing a law quiz that is worth 5% of my grade, grr. I guess that's life!

I can't wait to be done school, quit MBNA, and start a new life.

4 more months.